As a girl
I laid flat on the ground
and sucked in my stomach
until my ribs showed through
so I could feel thin,
so I could feel transparent.
As a girl
I kept a rubber band around my wrist
that I would snap against my skin
anytime I felt hungry
so I could feel in control,
so I could feel disciplined.
As a girl
I cut off all my long blonde hair
until it was so short
you could hardly see it
so that men in trucks at stoplights
would stop making wet slobbering sounds at me
with their mouths
so I could disappear,
so I could be non-existent.
I wanted to be as small
as I felt
so that no one would notice.
I wanted to be as small
as I felt
so that I could stop taking up space.
I must have been a girl though still
because nothing would stop them
Once, four men got out of the truck
when the wet slobbering sounds weren’t enough
and tried to catch me on foot
I must have been a girl though still
because I laughed at my escape
hid in my room for days,
covered up my small body and
stopped going outside in the dark
I must have been a girl though still
because it felt like I was the one
who got away
with something.